Isn’t it amazing how our dreams can be busted quickly? You enter holy matrimony thinking you’ll live your happily ever after, unlike your friends, or even your parents. Your marriage will be different. Right?
Those vows about sticking it out “for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, ‘til death do us part” are just general comparisons. Who wants to think, on the happiest day of their life, that they will be stuck in the worse, poorer, and sickness end of the vows?
No one does, until their wife gets cancer or their man gets injured.
And my man…my man got hurt. He couldn’t work. And when he couldn’t work, the dominoes fell. Eventually, we lost everything material: credit standing, cars, our home. Personally, I felt like a failure in all aspects of my life.
Oh, and did I mention that I found out I was pregnant during this time? Yeah, smack dab in the middle of this entire calamity we discovered baby number two was on the way, and when baby was less than three-months-old, we moved out of our foreclosed home.
Welcome to the world, sweetie!
I would love to say that I immediately pulled myself up by my bootstraps and praised God for all the blessings I still had. You know things like family to help out, a safe place to move to, my health and ability to work. I would love to say that I didn’t blame my husband for his injuries that “caused” this.
Nope. I failed big time. You see I didn’t want to encourage my man. I wanted to blame him. Instead of talking to him, I fell silent. I pasted a fake smile on my face, and, I admit ashamedly, made small, snide remarks.
Did I mention I’m a bit passive-aggressive?
The bottom line…my man was hurt. He was aware of his failures in regard to our family. He didn’t need me to remind him – even if I thought by not saying anything he’d not feel the failure.
To encourage my man, I had to start with me. I know that may still sound a bit self-centered, but in reality, I was part of the problem. I was wallowing in my self-pity and covetousness, my own unholy trinity of me-myself-and- I. I wanted financial security; I wanted to have the perfect Christian family that went to church every Sunday with smiles painted on; I wanted everything I saw around me.
What I needed was God to hit my spiritual reset button.
So, I buried myself in the Psalms, my go-to when I’m depressed. When I got to Psalm 51, I cracked, just like David after his sin with Bathsheba:
“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” Psalm 51:16-17
I was broken. My sins were pride, bitterness, and resentment. I wore them like a badge of honor – people pitied me in my situation, and I gloried in it even while I pretended to minimize it. I had to get over myself – I was no Heavenly good.
Once I repented of my selfishness and covetousness, I had to address the grief I was feeling. I had to let go of the perfect life I wanted for me and rejoice in the perfect life God had provided me. You see, I had grown bitter because our life was nothing like I thought it should be. I blamed my man; I blamed me; I blamed God.
“When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73: 21-26
As I started the grieving process, I could focus my attention on Christ. I could worship him unimpeded. Christ was my everything even when I had nothing according to the world’s standards. I was able to set my eyes above this temporary world and start thinking in terms of eternity. I was finally starting to live for something more than me and my needs.
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:1-2
As I set my mind on things above, I was able to serve and encourage my man. What a joy that turned out to be!
You see, serving my man had nothing to do with the world. Encouraging my man had nothing to do with the world. Both have everything to do with my walk with God. When I stopped focusing on what I wanted and started focusing on what God wanted – a man and woman working together to glorify Him – my grief was replaced with a joy not hindered by outside circumstances, but fueled by God Himself.
And to do that, I stopped thinking about what we lost and thanked God for what we still had – Him, and that’s all we needed. Then, I found ways to encourage my husband. I thanked him for doing the little things and the big things. I showed him gratitude. I served him like I was serving God – wholly, unconditionally, with love.
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” Colossians 3:23-24
Every day, I find ways to thank my man for the things he does, big and small. I serve him in little things that make a big difference to him, like making his morning coffee. We are more honest with each other. We enjoy each other even though we’ve not reached the pinnacle of success according to the world’s standards. And – we even like each other!
Now I am not perfect – I still get stuck in my navel gazing from time to time, but I am quicker to lift my head and seek God. I want to live for eternity, not just my speck of dust on God’s timeline.
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